“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
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horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
one week till the election
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
consequences, the bane of my existence
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.