“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
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I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
next question.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.