Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

is this store having a stroke wtf

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.