Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
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You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Cool shirt 🙂
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket