Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
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Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
me after drinking all the wine:
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”