Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
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If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.