BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
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My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”