“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
You Might Also Like
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
aura
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box