“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
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Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
