“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
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spot the difference
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
#SuperBowl
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
dutch so unserious
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re