Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
You Might Also Like
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*