Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.