Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
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Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Tough love is true love
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!