Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
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I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota