Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
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“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.