Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
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Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas