Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
You Might Also Like
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
A decision was made here.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.