Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every. time.

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!

PLUTO: SON OF A

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything