Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
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Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.