Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
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The future is now.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
this is the best interaction on twitter
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”