Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
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Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?