Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find