Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
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Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip