Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

Know your customer. Think like an idiot.

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

Stranger: Twitter is awful.

Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.

Stranger: But there are bad people…

Me: Sure, I just block them.

Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.

Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic

I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.

Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.