Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
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If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough