“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
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“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
me when i see my girls butt
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.