Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”

Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

Vampire: How did you find me?!

Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back

Vampire: So it was a stakeout

Me: lmao

Vampire: lmaoooo

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*