“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
You Might Also Like
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs