“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
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Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Passwords are more important than ever.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism