@alexblagg

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

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@better_off_dad

Life is like a Rubik’s Cube

It may look like a jumbled mess at first, but in the end it will make you want to beat the shit out of someone.

@markydoodoo

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

@leechee420

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

@elle91

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

@eddiesteadyno

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

@ClichedOut

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

@RegularFred

Man dies after body rejects sleeveless Metallica shirt because he didn’t have a barbed wire tattoo.

@TheBoydP

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.