Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.