Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

inflation so bad pets are getting jobs

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!

Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids

sistine chapel

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.