Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
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I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.