Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

me to God

sometimes we need to be reminded

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

cyclists

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

I just ran a .003048K

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”