Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

You know I’m something of a chef myself

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha

Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?