Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.

Cop: Again, license and registration please

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too

Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem