Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

There’s this lady on IG who thinks she’s cracked the toddler code and smugly shares all of her hacks. She’s like, “Don’t tell your toddler to do something. Ask them if they’re big enough or strong enough to do it. They’re dying to prove they can.”

So I was like, “Ok, worth a try…”

Me: Hey, Jack, are you big and strong enough to go tell Kip it’s time for dinner?

3 yo: No, thanks.

🤦🏻‍♀️

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

When your man makes a valid point

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?

Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.