Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?

I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.

[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters

Catering service

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile