Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
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me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
real
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.