Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
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me making someone eat a chip with my mind
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Sir!!
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer