Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
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Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?