Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

seminar…

Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*