Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
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I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time