Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.

Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

🤣could you imagine

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*