Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

The devil.

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.

how much does a mortician urn in a year

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

Bit chilly again tonight.

True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.

teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind

40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

*wife looks through my phone

*divorces me 8 times

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*