Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

The police never think its as funny as you do.

If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

the only bumper sticker ill allow

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!

wut hotdog?

comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

[choking to death on a sushi roll]

CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.

moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*

*Remind you to drink water.

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.