Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

Somebody call the cops.

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture

CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

*Hears loud noise*

Me: What are y’all doing?

5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?

Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.