Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
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“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Just this preview of the story is enough
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
New nose
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.