Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
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this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
I am never leaving this website
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
50 shades of grey = my Liver
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
How I’d get arrested…
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”