Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
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My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex