“Let’s break a leg today guys!”
–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work
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we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means