“Let’s break a leg today guys!”
–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work
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Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day