“Let’s break a leg today guys!”
–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work
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I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.