Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
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My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
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My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
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*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it