Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

We currently live in a house with one bathroom.

Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again