“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
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According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die