Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

me irl

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

me: how did he die?

him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants

me: a parade

him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.