“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
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*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.