Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts