“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
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There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen