@Tommytoughstuff

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

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@DVSblast

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

@AmberTozer

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

@Home_Halfway

ME: Hey congrats, I hear you’re pregnant
CLIENT: Yes, thank you!
ME: *trying to think of a good power move* Many species eat their young

@livlivme_do

If Rod Stewart ever cleared his throat, his career would be over.

@JMNuch23

When a girl tells you how many guys she’s slept with, multiply by 3 and add the number of guys in her phone named Tyler

@TheTweetOfGod

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

@Darlainky

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

@EndhooS

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

@donni

When I die, I’m donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they’re not into it