“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
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What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Raisins are grape jerky.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
yea so i messed up lol
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave