@Tommytoughstuff

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

- @Tommytoughstuff

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@HellisWorthit

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

@NourHadidi

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

@Dutch_50

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

@Mr_Kapowski

*wears a tuxedo tshirt to interview as a joke*

McDonald’s Manager: Oh wow, are you from corporate?

@meganamram

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

@Gupton68

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

@JimmerThatisAll

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.

@UncleDuke1969

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.