Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”

ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.

Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

sounds kinky. i’m in.

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly