“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
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Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
The first one, obviously
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
The struggle is real.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
This took me a few seconds.. 😅