Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.

Computer: *Crashes

Me: *Opens document

Word: You’re not gonna believe this…

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

*Telephone Rings*

Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?

Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE

*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”

Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.