Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.

She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

…..pretty much.

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”

Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.