Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
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A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer