Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

Want to talk trash? Recycle.

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

Worth remembering.

Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.