Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’

Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.

Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

shakira sharkira

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample