Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
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10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
saving face 👀
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Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
My work here is don’t.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.