“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
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BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.