Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: pretty much any name can be unisex

My son Stephanie: I hate you dad

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you