“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
You Might Also Like
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
What the hell is going on?
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar