Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

About to form my very first opinion

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

Jeans are once again asking too much of me.

My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*