“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
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When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.