“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
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Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I laughed at this way too hard.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Good morning y’all ☀️
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.