Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
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My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
found a horse’s reddit account
