Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows

My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist

TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.

Doctor: So what brings you in today?

Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night

I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk

Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?

Every work call, he judges.

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.